Being excluded

At one time in our lives, most of us will probably go through a period of being excluded from something. Sometimes, girls (and probably boys too!) deliberately exclude someone from activities in their friendship group. It is often unintentional, but sometimes there is a nasty motive behind it.

Its not nice. Whether your 'friends' mean it on purpose or not, it can leave you feeling very unwanted and upset, and often dents your confidence too. If it is happening frequently and you are getting upset by it, then it's time to do something. No-one should be left feeling like this on a regular basis. So what can you do?
You should:

• Speak to a trusted friend or adult. Each situation is different, and they may be able to advise you on the best way to resolve the problem depending on the specific situation.
• Talk to your friends about it. A problem doesn't always just resolve itself;and talking about it is often a good way to make a change. If you have one friend in the group who you are closer too, then take her aside and tell her how you're feeling. It's best to do it face to face rather than online or by text. Remember- you're friends may not realise what they are doing!
• Slowly make some new friends. Maybe, you're friendship with this group just isn't meant to be. You have to accept the fact that even though it is a very nasty way to go about it, your 'friends' could have went off you for whatever reason (there is no good reason- but unfortunately there are a lot of horrible people in this world) and this could be their way of hinting at you. If you suspect that this is the case, then it is really best to move on. You don't want to be with people like this- that isn't a healthy friendship.

The fact that this is happening to you doesn't make you any less brilliant then you already are. You are still an amazing person, and although it may make you feel truly crap about yourself you really need to rise above it and use the experience to make yourself stronger!

Thanks for reading xox

Self harm... the facts and the follow up

I wanted to put all of this in my first post which you can find here, I would suggest reading it if you haven't already. But, the post started to get really long, and I was afraid people would lose interest!

So, what happened next? Well, I know I was pretty blunt and didn't give much of an explanation!

I told my mum, one day when it all got too much. She... she promised she would do whatever she could to help me. And, not going to lie- my poor, poor mum has been amazing in the past couple of years. Shes honestly the only person in this world who I trust, who doesn't judge me, and who i can be 100% honest with. So mum, if you're reading this... I love you ok? I know I don't show it a lot, and i put you through shit quite frankly, but I am grateful every day, and would be screwed without you. But my poor mum... what was she to do? Her ELEVEN year old daughter hated herself so much that she was carving into her own skin? I mean obviously I've never had a child, but surely that's so... heartbreaking, so infuriating? She got me to a counsellor, and I would love to be able to say it helped. But, it did quite frankly nothing at all. He was a 50 year old man, who just sort of rambled on... about nothing relevant at all. I went six times in total I think, and after that I stopped for maybe two or three months. At this time it was summer, and in summer my mood does generally lift! But then winter rolled back around, and by October I was already in a messy relapse.

After that, I tried a lot of self help things. Like elastic bands, and the butterfly method. But, disgustingly, I was actually kind of enjoying it. I guess it kind of made me feel 'different' and 'mature' and I think i kind of enjoyed being 'troubled'. That only lasted for about a month. So since then, its been up and down. Relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery and so on. But then things got really really bad again, and my parents found out. My mum researched into it, and she came across this site. Nlp4kids (nuero linguistic programming, i know right... sounds pretty scary) I wont explain it, if you're interested then go and have a look. I went to see a man called Lewis. He... he really really helped me. I still have issues with the way I look, and how I feel about myself. And truthfully? I don't think I'll ever escape them. But Lewis really helped me get the voices in my head under control. He helped me deal with my anger, in a way I never would have imagined. And that, has really, really helped me. I would love to say I haven't cut myself since seeing Lewis; believe me I really, really would. But I'm not going to lie. I have. Due to things like arguments at home, and problems with my 'friends' at school. Those are what triggered that particular relapse; but at the end of the day, the underlying cause is the same- self hatred.

The other day at school, our year had an assembly on self harm, suicide, and domestic violence. It was... it was horrible. Honestly? It just felt patronising. A bunch of girls, who don't have a clue, reading out quotes from tumblr. Quotes which did nothing more then glamorise self harm. They really had no clue what the hell they were talking about, and I found it really horrible. I was on the front row, and I felt so paranoid that people were staring at me. On top of that, I had no idea we were going to have that assembly! If I had of, I wouldn't have came into school. Throughout the whole thing, I just sat there picking nail polish off. I sang song lyrics in my head, and counted to 250 four times. I just couldn't make eye contact with anyone, or listen to what was being said. Afterwards, I went straight to the toilet and just cried. It was really horrible. Throughout the rest of the day, I had three people come up to me and ask if I was ok. Three of the people who knew; the three people who honestly care. And do you know the crazy thing? Those three people aren't even in my friendship group! Two girls, and a boy... who I'm extremely close to because they understand me... but they aren't even in my friendship group! The girls who are in my friendship group- they just don't care. They know, but never ever talk about it with me or try and help me. And that really upsets me sometimes. I feel as if I am definitely getting less and less friendly with them, because some days I just can't deal with it anymore.

So anyway, at the moment I'm doing ok. I'm not better by any means, but I feel as if it's still under my control, and I do have people trying to help me. I wouldn't quite say I'm in the dark right now, but at the same time I'm still not at the light.

In school, I have two close friends who cut. Two girls, who are both absolutely beautiful. One of them has lots of issues at home, and although shes 'popular' she gets a lot of shit from some boys at school. But she's the strongest girl I know... throughout the hell shes enduring (and believe me I know, many a time have we had emotional conversations on the phone and in the toilets at school when things have been tough), she still remains confident and seemingly happy. Always laughing, joking and flirting. I admire her for that. The other girl, shes so talented and beautiful. And such a nice person too. But shes going through a rough patch right now, with how she looks. She wants desperately to lose weight, and has fell down a similar slope to me. But I have no doubt she'll get through it- shes so strong. And for both of them, I'll be there. Any time they need to talk, I'm there and they both know that. I know that there will be a day in the future, when they are both cut free.

So thanks for reading, I hope this has maybe given you an insight. If not, then its been really helpful for me to vent on here. xox

Self harm- my story

Before I start, I just want to warn you that this post could be potentially triggering. So if you self harm and are easily triggered, I wouldn't read this.

'She paints a pretty picture, but heres the shocking twist. Her paintbrush is a razor, the canvas is her wrist.'

Let me tell you a story. There's a girl, shes 11 years old. She hasn't had the best time of late, but ahead of her lays a new start. A fresh slate. Shes starting high school, where no body knows her and none of her past has to come with her. Shes so excited; so happy. The first day goes well. She meets a girl, who we're going to call Holly*. They become friends, and she goes home and tells her mum all about her brand new friends. Her mum... her mum is over the moon. Her little girl, finally happy again. She never could predict in any way what the next few months held... the future seemed so bright. A few weeks in, Holly starts acting weird with this girl. She gets all her other friends to start ditching the girl; and leave her out of plans. This hurts the girl so much, and really begins to effect her. Shes had issues, for a whilst now, with the way she looks. Due to things that happened before she started this new school. But that all went away when she started new school, and made new friends. Until Holly became mean. But, always the strong one, this little girl makes new friends. Her best friend, a girl called Alice*. And soon, she becomes happy once again. But, she remains a bit scared of Holly, and envious of all Holly's friends. Alice gets the flu, and misses school for a whole week. Oh no, what is the girl going to do? She hasn't yet made very many other friends in her form, not close friends anyway. So she starts hanging out with Holly and her friends once more. She likes it. The day that Alice returns to school, Holy comes up with a plan. Lets all pretend as if Alice isn't here! None of us talk to her, and laugh at her! It'll be so funny! The little girl doesn't want to do this. Alice has been so nice to her, and they've became really close! But, shes still afraid of Holly, and desperately wants Holly to like her! So she goes along with it, and that's the end of Alice's friendship. Alice moves on, makes some new friends. And holly becomes more and more controlling, to the girl and her friends. She makes them do some really horrible things, and the girl feels really horrible about herself once again. 'youre a fat, ugly, disgusting bitch. You're a bully to! Look at yourself, no one even likes you!' Says a voice in the girls head. One day, the girls mum has something to tell her. The little girls auntie, she has cancer. The next month or so is hell for the little girl. She misses her auntie, as she doesn't really get to see her. Her auntie always made her feel special about herself, and she truly loved her to bits. Her mum wasn't around much, she was often at the hospital looking after her auntie. And when her mum was at home, she was always in a bad mood. Always moody and easily angry. The girl, she was falling into a dark hole. She couldn't talk to her mum about her problems... it felt selfish, as her mum was obviously upset. Besides that, she didn't know how her mum would react. Maybe her mum didn't love her, she was just a waste of space anyway.

This girls auntie died, on December the twelfth. She cried herself to sleep every night. She was always sad. One day soon after, she had a fight with her mum. She was sent to her room, and accidentally looked into the mirror. In front of her, she could see this disgusting creature. The words were screaming in her head FATFATFATUGLYDISGUSTINGFATBULLY
BITCHWORTHLESSSLUTPIECEOFSHITUGLYHIDEOUSFATDISGUSTING
SHITUGLYFATFATFATFATFAT!!!!!!! They wouldn't shut up! She fell to the floor, crying. Pulling her hair out, scratching her own skin. Then, on the floor, she saw a pair of scissors from when she had been doing homework. The voice inside her head gave her an idea. She picked up the blades, and sliced into her skin. And again. And harder. Nothing happened for a minute. Then, blood started to well up, and got heavier. Inside her, she felt... a release. It felt like she had let go of everything, at last. Watching the blood, she just felt... alive again. Then, she realised what she had done. She was shocked, scared, guilty, angry. She started to feel lightheaded. She went to the toilet,and cleaned up. She felt disgusted, and promised herself she would never do it again.

That little girl... that's me. That day, was three whole years ago. Yet still, it is clear as day in my head. After that, a week later, I did it again. Months passed, and it got worse and worse. Three years on, and I've been through many phases. I've recovered numerous times, but then relapsed again. When I was in my worst time... my darkest place... I wrote something. It was a little story, which related to me... my past, my present, my future, with some fictional elements.How I was feeling. Here it is....

Once apon a time, there was a girl. If you saw this girl, you would probably be jealous of her. She was pretty, skinny, popular, clever, sporty and talented. On the outside, she seemed perfect. But this girl... she couldn't see this. Every time she looked in the mirror, she hated what she saw. So she decided to change this. This girl, she started to eat less and less. She felt in control, for once in her life. She got skinnier and skinnier, weaker and weaker. She became obsessed. But soon, this wasn't enough. So she started to cut herself. When she did this, she felt relief. Cutting made her feel alive, for the tiniest second. However, this didn't last long. Almost straight away, this feeling was replaced with embarrassment, disgust. Soon, hiding the pain inside her wasn't as easy any more. Putting on a fake smile became habitual, but people were starting to see through it. They noticed how scarily skinny she had become. The noticed all the scars that riddled her arms, her legs. She ran out of places to cut, so it wasn't as easy to hide. People could see the fresh cuts sometimes, and asked her what happened. But they didn't care. They were just nosey. All this girl wanted, needed was a hug. A friend. Someone to hold her whilst she cried, and tell her every thing would be alright. Someone to save her from what she had become. Nobody cared though. No one loved her. She was so desperate, for attention, for love. When people looked at this girl, they saw little more than skin and bones. But still, when she looked in the mirror all this girl could see was fat. This girl, she never escaped. She one day had enough. There was no one there to save her from herself. She ended it all, the sorry mess of her life. It was better that way.

So that's my story. I'm going to do follow up posts from this... this is just the beginning. Every story has a start, middle and end... and mines no different. Also, I have plenty of advice/thoughts to share, and an interesting story about 'Holly'. Thanks for reading xox

*Note: All names have been changed out of respect.