Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Out of the loop...

Hey there readers (I know you definitely exist now- My page views have rocketed this week!) I just thought I'd let you know I probably won't be posting for a couple of days, as I'm going on a little 'vacation' until monday/tuesday (I've forgotten what day we come back!) It's not exactly our usual 'holiday' as such, because it's not to somewhere hot, sunny and relaxed- we're going to Iceland! I know what you're thinking- bit of a random one! Well it is- basically my mum has always wanted to see the northern lights. And where I live, they are non existent! So, for Christmas we got her a pretty cool present- a holiday to go see them! It should be quite fun- it'll certainly be 'different'!

I plan on doing a few posts tonight, and then posting them whenever suits me (so basically whenever I have a bit of Internet access over there!) So stay tuned! Keep reading, I have lots of ideas ahead ;)

Thanks for reading! xox

Monday, February 25, 2013

What is she becoming?

My school, like every other high school, has 'the populars'. That group of about five or six girls who think they are just the bees knees, and control EVERYTHING that goes on (it seems) I could go on writing about this forever but I'm planning on doing a post about this soon.

Anyway, I have this one friend, who I'm going to call Chloe for this, as her name isn't very common, and may arouse suspicions as to who I am. So Chloe, for this blog anyway.

So my friend Chloe, is really one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. I would probably consider her one of my 'best friends' (an expression that i HATE due to my darling frenemie, who I shall do a post on soon). She is always so upbeat, funny, considerate and caring towards me, and is probably the one I'm closest to in our friendship group. We've been friends since we started the school, and I hate to imagine my life in school without her.

One of the things that's always annoyed me about her is the way that she cares so much what other people think of her. She seems to think people are looking at her 24/7 and judging her. This is ridiculous; shes not one of the 'populars', and doesn't really have any friends outside of our group. As horrible as this may sound, people don't really 'know' her as she doesn't ever make an effort to talk to new friends, and I don't think shes ever had a full conversation with a boy.

In our group, I'm the only one with close boy friends. The other three get quite jealous of this sometimes, though not so much now as they used to. But Chloe is the one who seems to be the least able to talk to boys. She just doesn't seem capable of having a laugh with them, or even making 'polite conversation'! And then, she gets annoyed at how the boys don't really know her!

But anyway, the other night her and my 'frenemie' (like I said, post soon to come) were invited round one of the 'populars' houses. So they went, and have not stopped talking about it since. Now, I'm not going to lie to you- I am jealous, annoyed and angry here. Jealous because I love making different friends and getting closer to new people, annoyed because of how me and my other friend weren't invited, and angry because they're doing what they always do- bigging up the situation and rubbing it in. It's pathetic really. I know that they probably both just sat there awkwardly for most of the night, as they always do with new people. But they KEEP bringing it up!

So Chloe is getting cocky and big headed about that. Then, she was mentioned in an ask fm answer. In a 'popular' boys list of girls he thinks is hot. Ok, fair enough- Chloe's quite pretty. She wears too much makeup (wrongly applied for the most part, may I add) But she does have some very pretty features. So instead of accepting it and being flattered like I have when it's happened once or twice to me, she Keeps bringing it up!

Last of all, theres this- Chloe seems to have got the idea that since shes now clearly popular (rolls eyes in an infuriated fashion) one of the 'populars' really likes her. Now, this wouldn't usually annoy me. But this particular 'popular' (lets call her Ashley for the sake of this situation) is the only one that I'm pretty close to. Lets just say, we both have a lot in common. Shes been there for me loads lately, and likewise me her. But before half term, we had a bit of an argument. Chloe has taken this as an opportunity to wedge her way in with Ashley, and Ashley seems to like the attention from this. Now, please ignore the ridiculous primary school attitude here- but Ashley told me 'who she fancies' first of all. I was the first person she told, and both of us kept this quiet for about a week. Chloe found out that Ashley liked someone and I knew, and would not stand for it! She bugged and bigged and bigged Ashley until she told her, and then- you guessed it- made a big deal out of it. She kept rubbing it in peoples faces too.

I just think the whole thing is ridiculous. I'm trying my best not to let it bug me- it has no right to! But it's just getting on my nerves a lot watching it. I had hoped it would calm down over half term but today we came back and nothing changed.

Just wanted to vent about that! It's just ridiculous, immature behaviour, and like every other problem has been worsened by good old social networking.

Thanks for reading, glad to have got that out! xox

Taking a break

Lately, I have definitely become a phone addict. 24/7 I would have my phone in my hand, and would feel the need to talk to loads of people, and constantly be refreshing social network feeds. This isn't healthy! It's been causing me a LOT of problems.

Conversations, if you can even call them that, that I've been having by text, are no longer what they used to be. They aren't lighthearted, innocent fun anymore- they seem to be full of attention seeking, lies and bitching... dare I even say from both parties, not just me. Not only that, conversations which someone my age shouldn't be having. (I wont go into that here, but I do have a post which you can find here if you're interested)

Its really started to affect me. Over half term, out of boredom, I was permanently attached to my phone. This really isn't healthy! It wasn't intentional-  I literally felt the need to be on my phone, in a similar way to how an alcoholic feels the need to drink, or a smoker feels an urge to have a cigarette.

So, here's an idea. What about taking a break? A break from technology? Not even from all technology- just the ones I'm 'addicted' to. For the next week at the very least, I'm taking a break from my phone. That means no going on it whats so ever.

How about following my lead? Even if it is only for a week, why not ditch the evil little thing? I'm sure I'm not the only one who would be horrified at themselves if they could see their behaviour in a mirror! I know its something that's pretty hard (which is disgusting- it really shouldn't be!) but I'm hoping that I will get back to my old self, and break the cycle by taking a break.

Wish me luck! Thanks for reading, I hope you take a leaf out of my book! xox

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Just a quick question...

Hello there! :) Firstly, if you are reading this I just want to thank you. It really means a lot!

I've had this blog for about two weeks now. I know, I know- that's really nothing! But, I'm shocked at the amount of views I've had already! I've noticed that right now, posts that have been getting the most views are the ones about self harm and ask fm, the 'big issues' I suppose. So, I was wondering... what else do you want?! I have a few ideas of some posts, but I could really do with some suggestions from readers points of view!

So, I would be very grateful if you could comment below, or drop me an email with some suggestions! Thank you very much to take the time out of your day to read this, I'm very grateful! xox

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The good days :)

In little old England, we are fortunate enough to have a week off school every six weeks, and then six weeks off during summer (which is short compared to some places, but justified!) So this week, is 'mid-term'. I didn't really have anything planned, but then me and my friend Hannah who also blogs, arranged a much needed catch up sleepover. We both realised that lately we hadn't really been talking as much, and needed a nice little girlie date. So yesterday, I popped over to hers for some much needed girl time :)

First of all, we went to... wait for it... waitrose! We needed ingredients to make our much anticipated Slutty brownies! So we had a little walk around town and did our usual story of commenting on peoples outfits, spotting all the hot boys and subtly doing impressions. Then, we went back and made the brownies! This is the second time I've made them, and they are simply divine! Definitely go check out Rosies blog post on them! We made them our own by adding chunks of galaxy chocolate.

So after the brownies, we ate dinner and just chilled for a whilst on the computer and mucking around with her younger brother and sister :) always fun ;)

Next, we began to build our highly anticipated fort! I couldn't get a decent picture of it though! I was basically just sheets around the TV, supported by chairs with plenty of duvets and fairly lights! So for the rest of the night, we watched TV, ate chocolate and had a long, much needed catch up!

The next day we headed to the train station to go to Milton Keynes shopping with some other friends. We had plenty of 'train banter', which is really quite inexplicable I'm afraid!!!

Our two friends surprised us by joining us on the train which was awesome- we thought we were just meeting them at the train centre! And then, everything just got 10 times louder, funnier and gigglier as usual!

I had a very successful day shopping, and plan on doing a haul soon. We ate lunch in good old wagamamas, which has become our newest haunt for lunch on days out as we feel we're now too sophisticated for pizza express and MacDonald's ;) It was great, but a tad uncomfortable as we were squished in between (if you've ever been to wagamamas you'll know what I mean!) Two... 'mature' couples who gave us a fair few dirty looks. I don't blame them, four thirteen/fourteen year old girls on a sugar high cant be that pleasant!

So overall, it's been a great two days. It's really perked me up a lot, and I feel as if it's days like this that make everything worthwhile!

Thanks so much for reading, comment below! xox

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Self harm... the facts and the follow up

I wanted to put all of this in my first post which you can find here, I would suggest reading it if you haven't already. But, the post started to get really long, and I was afraid people would lose interest!

So, what happened next? Well, I know I was pretty blunt and didn't give much of an explanation!

I told my mum, one day when it all got too much. She... she promised she would do whatever she could to help me. And, not going to lie- my poor, poor mum has been amazing in the past couple of years. Shes honestly the only person in this world who I trust, who doesn't judge me, and who i can be 100% honest with. So mum, if you're reading this... I love you ok? I know I don't show it a lot, and i put you through shit quite frankly, but I am grateful every day, and would be screwed without you. But my poor mum... what was she to do? Her ELEVEN year old daughter hated herself so much that she was carving into her own skin? I mean obviously I've never had a child, but surely that's so... heartbreaking, so infuriating? She got me to a counsellor, and I would love to be able to say it helped. But, it did quite frankly nothing at all. He was a 50 year old man, who just sort of rambled on... about nothing relevant at all. I went six times in total I think, and after that I stopped for maybe two or three months. At this time it was summer, and in summer my mood does generally lift! But then winter rolled back around, and by October I was already in a messy relapse.

After that, I tried a lot of self help things. Like elastic bands, and the butterfly method. But, disgustingly, I was actually kind of enjoying it. I guess it kind of made me feel 'different' and 'mature' and I think i kind of enjoyed being 'troubled'. That only lasted for about a month. So since then, its been up and down. Relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery and so on. But then things got really really bad again, and my parents found out. My mum researched into it, and she came across this site. Nlp4kids (nuero linguistic programming, i know right... sounds pretty scary) I wont explain it, if you're interested then go and have a look. I went to see a man called Lewis. He... he really really helped me. I still have issues with the way I look, and how I feel about myself. And truthfully? I don't think I'll ever escape them. But Lewis really helped me get the voices in my head under control. He helped me deal with my anger, in a way I never would have imagined. And that, has really, really helped me. I would love to say I haven't cut myself since seeing Lewis; believe me I really, really would. But I'm not going to lie. I have. Due to things like arguments at home, and problems with my 'friends' at school. Those are what triggered that particular relapse; but at the end of the day, the underlying cause is the same- self hatred.

The other day at school, our year had an assembly on self harm, suicide, and domestic violence. It was... it was horrible. Honestly? It just felt patronising. A bunch of girls, who don't have a clue, reading out quotes from tumblr. Quotes which did nothing more then glamorise self harm. They really had no clue what the hell they were talking about, and I found it really horrible. I was on the front row, and I felt so paranoid that people were staring at me. On top of that, I had no idea we were going to have that assembly! If I had of, I wouldn't have came into school. Throughout the whole thing, I just sat there picking nail polish off. I sang song lyrics in my head, and counted to 250 four times. I just couldn't make eye contact with anyone, or listen to what was being said. Afterwards, I went straight to the toilet and just cried. It was really horrible. Throughout the rest of the day, I had three people come up to me and ask if I was ok. Three of the people who knew; the three people who honestly care. And do you know the crazy thing? Those three people aren't even in my friendship group! Two girls, and a boy... who I'm extremely close to because they understand me... but they aren't even in my friendship group! The girls who are in my friendship group- they just don't care. They know, but never ever talk about it with me or try and help me. And that really upsets me sometimes. I feel as if I am definitely getting less and less friendly with them, because some days I just can't deal with it anymore.

So anyway, at the moment I'm doing ok. I'm not better by any means, but I feel as if it's still under my control, and I do have people trying to help me. I wouldn't quite say I'm in the dark right now, but at the same time I'm still not at the light.

In school, I have two close friends who cut. Two girls, who are both absolutely beautiful. One of them has lots of issues at home, and although shes 'popular' she gets a lot of shit from some boys at school. But she's the strongest girl I know... throughout the hell shes enduring (and believe me I know, many a time have we had emotional conversations on the phone and in the toilets at school when things have been tough), she still remains confident and seemingly happy. Always laughing, joking and flirting. I admire her for that. The other girl, shes so talented and beautiful. And such a nice person too. But shes going through a rough patch right now, with how she looks. She wants desperately to lose weight, and has fell down a similar slope to me. But I have no doubt she'll get through it- shes so strong. And for both of them, I'll be there. Any time they need to talk, I'm there and they both know that. I know that there will be a day in the future, when they are both cut free.

So thanks for reading, I hope this has maybe given you an insight. If not, then its been really helpful for me to vent on here. xox

Saturday, February 16, 2013

How you can help

More and more teenagers are self harming. I have a blog post on the start of my particular story, which you can find here. In many cases, sufferers confide in friends whenever they are in a bad place, and just want help. But sadly, a lot of the time friends dont help. This has been the case for me.

So, what do you do if a friend comes to you asking for help? Well, heres a list of some things which will help...

  1. LISTEN- this really is key. The most important thing you can do for a friend is listen to them, because sometimes talking out problems really can do the world of good.
  2. Be there for them- this is similar to above. If someone whos self harming knows that there is someone there for them, then they are half way towards recovery. The best thing you can do is just let them know you are there. Tell them to text you or call you whenever they feel like doing it, and just give them plenty of hugs! It really will make a difference, I promise.
  3. Persuade them to tell someone- as with most mental issues, they cant be solved alone. Don't pressure your friend, but simply try and gently persuade them to tell a trusted adult, so that they can get the help they need.
  4. Give them space- Sometimes, everyone needs to be on their own. This is a hard one, but you really have to try and gauge for yourself whether or not your friend needs you right now. Don't be too clingy, but just go beck to number to and make sure you know you are there for them when they need you!
  5. Talk about the problem- I know its hard, especially if you don't understand it. But if a friend tells you by text that they have been self harming, its really important to talk about it with them face to face, even if you feel like just acting as if nothings happened. Research self harm online, to try and understand how your friend is feeling and how best to talk about it with them.
Here is a list of things NOT to do when a friend has told you they've self harmed, or if you're suspicious...

  1. Make a joke about it. This will make your friend feel pretty shit. It will be embarrassing, and will really destroy their trust in you. I appreciate its hard to talk about, but don't be patronising.
  2. Tell people. Even if you feel it may help, respect your friends decision for privacy. Appreciate that they have trusted you with possibly their biggest secret... the worst thing you can do is go and tell people.
  3. Don't constantly be checking them for cuts. You may think you're doing it inconspicuously, but your friend is most probably paranoid enough and will be able to see you looking.
  4. Don't say things like 'but why, your life is perfect!' or 'thats wierd, what do you think youre acheiving by that?'. This will make them feel really horrible about themselves. Try your best to understand, and if you dont understand at all then be straight with thema and tell them maybe they should tell someone else, you really don't know how to help them. But if you do this, you have to make sure you dont tell anyone at all, as that would be a real invasion of privacy.
If you are suspicious that someone you know may be self harming, speak to them one to one. Do not tell other people first.

Thank you for reading, if you need any further advice then email me or look online, as there is a lot of helpful stuff out there! xox

Self harm- my story

Before I start, I just want to warn you that this post could be potentially triggering. So if you self harm and are easily triggered, I wouldn't read this.

'She paints a pretty picture, but heres the shocking twist. Her paintbrush is a razor, the canvas is her wrist.'

Let me tell you a story. There's a girl, shes 11 years old. She hasn't had the best time of late, but ahead of her lays a new start. A fresh slate. Shes starting high school, where no body knows her and none of her past has to come with her. Shes so excited; so happy. The first day goes well. She meets a girl, who we're going to call Holly*. They become friends, and she goes home and tells her mum all about her brand new friends. Her mum... her mum is over the moon. Her little girl, finally happy again. She never could predict in any way what the next few months held... the future seemed so bright. A few weeks in, Holly starts acting weird with this girl. She gets all her other friends to start ditching the girl; and leave her out of plans. This hurts the girl so much, and really begins to effect her. Shes had issues, for a whilst now, with the way she looks. Due to things that happened before she started this new school. But that all went away when she started new school, and made new friends. Until Holly became mean. But, always the strong one, this little girl makes new friends. Her best friend, a girl called Alice*. And soon, she becomes happy once again. But, she remains a bit scared of Holly, and envious of all Holly's friends. Alice gets the flu, and misses school for a whole week. Oh no, what is the girl going to do? She hasn't yet made very many other friends in her form, not close friends anyway. So she starts hanging out with Holly and her friends once more. She likes it. The day that Alice returns to school, Holy comes up with a plan. Lets all pretend as if Alice isn't here! None of us talk to her, and laugh at her! It'll be so funny! The little girl doesn't want to do this. Alice has been so nice to her, and they've became really close! But, shes still afraid of Holly, and desperately wants Holly to like her! So she goes along with it, and that's the end of Alice's friendship. Alice moves on, makes some new friends. And holly becomes more and more controlling, to the girl and her friends. She makes them do some really horrible things, and the girl feels really horrible about herself once again. 'youre a fat, ugly, disgusting bitch. You're a bully to! Look at yourself, no one even likes you!' Says a voice in the girls head. One day, the girls mum has something to tell her. The little girls auntie, she has cancer. The next month or so is hell for the little girl. She misses her auntie, as she doesn't really get to see her. Her auntie always made her feel special about herself, and she truly loved her to bits. Her mum wasn't around much, she was often at the hospital looking after her auntie. And when her mum was at home, she was always in a bad mood. Always moody and easily angry. The girl, she was falling into a dark hole. She couldn't talk to her mum about her problems... it felt selfish, as her mum was obviously upset. Besides that, she didn't know how her mum would react. Maybe her mum didn't love her, she was just a waste of space anyway.

This girls auntie died, on December the twelfth. She cried herself to sleep every night. She was always sad. One day soon after, she had a fight with her mum. She was sent to her room, and accidentally looked into the mirror. In front of her, she could see this disgusting creature. The words were screaming in her head FATFATFATUGLYDISGUSTINGFATBULLY
SHITUGLYFATFATFATFATFAT!!!!!!! They wouldn't shut up! She fell to the floor, crying. Pulling her hair out, scratching her own skin. Then, on the floor, she saw a pair of scissors from when she had been doing homework. The voice inside her head gave her an idea. She picked up the blades, and sliced into her skin. And again. And harder. Nothing happened for a minute. Then, blood started to well up, and got heavier. Inside her, she felt... a release. It felt like she had let go of everything, at last. Watching the blood, she just felt... alive again. Then, she realised what she had done. She was shocked, scared, guilty, angry. She started to feel lightheaded. She went to the toilet,and cleaned up. She felt disgusted, and promised herself she would never do it again.

That little girl... that's me. That day, was three whole years ago. Yet still, it is clear as day in my head. After that, a week later, I did it again. Months passed, and it got worse and worse. Three years on, and I've been through many phases. I've recovered numerous times, but then relapsed again. When I was in my worst time... my darkest place... I wrote something. It was a little story, which related to me... my past, my present, my future, with some fictional elements.How I was feeling. Here it is....

Once apon a time, there was a girl. If you saw this girl, you would probably be jealous of her. She was pretty, skinny, popular, clever, sporty and talented. On the outside, she seemed perfect. But this girl... she couldn't see this. Every time she looked in the mirror, she hated what she saw. So she decided to change this. This girl, she started to eat less and less. She felt in control, for once in her life. She got skinnier and skinnier, weaker and weaker. She became obsessed. But soon, this wasn't enough. So she started to cut herself. When she did this, she felt relief. Cutting made her feel alive, for the tiniest second. However, this didn't last long. Almost straight away, this feeling was replaced with embarrassment, disgust. Soon, hiding the pain inside her wasn't as easy any more. Putting on a fake smile became habitual, but people were starting to see through it. They noticed how scarily skinny she had become. The noticed all the scars that riddled her arms, her legs. She ran out of places to cut, so it wasn't as easy to hide. People could see the fresh cuts sometimes, and asked her what happened. But they didn't care. They were just nosey. All this girl wanted, needed was a hug. A friend. Someone to hold her whilst she cried, and tell her every thing would be alright. Someone to save her from what she had become. Nobody cared though. No one loved her. She was so desperate, for attention, for love. When people looked at this girl, they saw little more than skin and bones. But still, when she looked in the mirror all this girl could see was fat. This girl, she never escaped. She one day had enough. There was no one there to save her from herself. She ended it all, the sorry mess of her life. It was better that way.

So that's my story. I'm going to do follow up posts from this... this is just the beginning. Every story has a start, middle and end... and mines no different. Also, I have plenty of advice/thoughts to share, and an interesting story about 'Holly'. Thanks for reading xox

*Note: All names have been changed out of respect.


Ok, so you will probably wonder why I, at supposedly naiive age of thirteen, am writing a post about explicit text messages. Well, because it is something that has caused me a lot of problems recently, and so I feel I should blog about it!

So, 'sexting', is sending explicit messages and engaging in sexual conversations with someone, but not face to face. It also sometimes includes trading explicit pictures too.

More and more girls, my age and even younger, are feeling the need to engage in these types of conversations, sometimes with complete strangers. Sites like omegle and kik activley encourage this, and it is having serious consequences.

First off, lets talk about omegle. It is a site with the slogan 'talk to strangers!' Does that not strike you as slightly worrying? If not, then pop over there and take a look for yourself. ( Once you enter the site, you are given the option to find a random stranger, and talk to them. Either by instant message, or video chat. The first message sent by most people is 'age sex location'. and unsurprisingly, you are usually met back with a response from someone of the opposite sex, similar age and same location. What a coincidence. Personally, I find it scary that sites like this even exist. Talking to people you've never met- the big issue is that you really don't know who's behind that screen! And believe me, these people are pretty dam good at pretending. On omegle, it is even easier for them... you dont need a profile or anything! The sad likelihood is that it is full of dirty old men, with no morals or values.

But what about people you do know? That's relatively safe, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, there are quite a few teenage boys out there who would do anything to get their hands on explicit photos of a girl they know, and have a dirty conversation with them. But once you've sent those messages, that's it. Theres no coming back. You can delete them from your phone, but they can still be tracked. The boy- he can say hes deleted them. He can make you trust him. But the harsh reality is this... boys like to brag. They could (and it is very likely) tell most of their friends. Worse than that, they could forward messages, or even pictures. And then, well I'm pretty sure you know what follows... its been in the media quite recently. Amanda Todd is a prime example. Her story is truly devastating.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for a bit of flanter with my boy mates. But, I've experienced how 'sexting' makes you feel, and the aftermath it leaves. I'm not going to go into it, out of respect for the two boys, and embarrassment on my behalf of how stupid I've been. But I'm lucky... the consequences haven't been anywhere near as bad as they could have been!

So girls, before you send that message just think... what am i achieving by this? If you think it will make him like you... you're wrong. That's really not the thing boys look for in a girl, as much as they may act about it. Before you press the send button, just remember... once you do, its out there forever.

Thanks for reading xox

Thursday, February 14, 2013

The 'flirts'

We all have them in our year. Those girls who seem to crave attention, from almost any living thing with a penis on it. Surely I'm not the only one who's really starting to get fed up? Every single day, without fail. Its the same girls. Now don't get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with a bit of cheeky flirting. I, of all people, know how fun it is and would be lying if i said i never flirted with boys. In fact, I do, an awful lot. But theres a difference... mine is a bit of light hearted, 'flanter' (Here is the urban dictionary definition for all you oldies out there!) These girls that I'm speaking of... they just don't know where to stop! It seems to be endless... they are just incapable of having a normal conversation with a boy! I know, for a fact, its beginning to get on some boys nerves too.

Today, it has really got to me. The way that these girls, some of whom i am pretty close with, act so kind and lovely when there are no boys around but the second someone with the x chromosome appears they turn in to someone completely different! Suddenly, you no longer exist... they wont even acknowledge you.

Watching it from afar today has really put me in a bad mood. I'm just fed up. But what is to be done? I don't think some of them even realise the effects it is having on their friends! I suppose, it is just a case of gritting my teeth and hoping it dies down. Surely these blastly whore-mones don't last too much longer?

Well, thanks for reading. Hopefully, if you're in the same boat as me you may be relieved to realise you're not the only one who's getting annoyed. And if not, at least I have vented :) comment any other points about them I may have missed out!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Summer bucket list

(pretty much sums up my feelings)
In 4 months, it will officially be summer. That may seem like forever away to you, but to me summer is simply what dreams are made of. I don't think it would even be an exaggeration to say I live for summer. Endless days, long hot nights, the feel of sun on my skin, the smell of summer (yes, summer has its own indescribable smell to me!) This year, my summer is going to be... Amazing. This summer is going to be THE summer, I've decided.
So, I've decided to make a summer bucket list. To
Try and remind myself that, in this post Christmas
haze there IS something to look forward to! I always find myself feeling quite depressed in this time period... it's still winter, but yet it's not as magical. Spring in England means nothing... simply a bit less cold, a bit more rain. So really, from January till about May, everything gets a little bit depressing.

1) Go backyard camping
2) Sort out my summerhouse (post to come)
3) Tie dye a t-shirt/pair of shorts
4) Leave a nice note on a strangers car
5) Build a fort, and have a pj day with a friend, watch movies and order pizza etc
6) Visit an outdoor swimming pool with my friends
7) go veggie for a week
8) Have a waterfight with friends in the park
9) Go to the beach with friends on the train
10) Dip dye my hair all different colours
11) Go to a theme park with my friends
12) Pull a successful all-nighter
13) Make lemonade
14) Make a wish tree
15) Go on a picnic
16) Go to the underage festival
17) Spend a day in Brighton with my friends
18) Eat fish and chips on the Pier again
19) Do a front somersault into the ocean
20) Do a split leap on the beach
21) Go to Camden with my friends
22) Eat breakfast outside
23) Finally put up the hammock we bought in Mexico!
24) Take pictures every day and make a scrapbook
25) Get a hell of a tan!
26) Sleep outside, have a bonfire and look at the stars
27) Make this summer the best yet :)
Thanks for reading! I hope I've inspired you to make your own bucket list!

'The little things'

I think, in the grand scheme of things, I am missing quite a large bit of the enjoyment I should be having. And that, is really pretty sad. So a step I've been taking to try and combat this is... appreciating the little things in life! They seem to be washed away, by all the drama and bitchiness and homework and stress and spots and worries in my life, which is pretty ridiculous at this age!

I seem to stumble across all manner of things on tumblr. Cute things, funny things, boring things, sad things and scary things. And since, at this moment in time i don't have my own tumblr blog to share those and there is no satisfaction in simply saving them to my phone, why not share them on here? with who, you may ask? Well I know I haven't had all that many views just yet. But there is no harm in sharing them with only five people, if i have a vast imaginary audience ;p So, as of this week, I'm going to start a weekly feature!

 I'm going to pick my top 5 pictures that I've found in the past week, and post them along with any other 'little bits and bobs' that take my fancy, every Friday. So, stay tuned!!

thanks for reading xox

February 14th

Here it is again. Some say its nothing more then a commercial gimmick, others that its the most romantic magical thing ever. I'm talking about good old valentines day.

Scrolling through tumblr, I can't help but feel the slightest pang inside me when I see all the cute couple valentines related pictures. Another year alone, and all that crap. And then I remind myself... I AM THIRTEEN BLOODY YEARS OLD! Why such an emphasis on dating already? I once heard the phrase 'high school is where you meet your bridesmaids, not your husband'. That is something which, to me, should really be more publicly emphasized! Why, in this day and age when females have never had better rights... why are thirteen year old girls still feeling the need for long term relationships? The suffragettes would be truly, truly horrified if they were here to witness this.

So why don't we all focus on the important things this valentines? The people who mean the most to you. Be that your boy/girlfriend, your best friend, your family or even pets. Take a little bit of time out to spend with them! My friends Hannah and Erin are having a cute valentines day baking date, and shes blogging about it here if you want to go check it out. I myself am doing nothing. I might go to the cinema with some Friends and we can annoy everyone by pretending to be all smoochy and loved up :) but if I do that will be on the Friday, as Thursday is a school night!

If you are lucky enough to have somebody cute to spend it with and dont have any plans, I've stumbled across some very cute ones that I'd like to share!!

Build a fort! As my blogspiration rose (who you can find here ) pointed out, on valentines day restaurants are really not a pleasant experience. So build a fort, order a pizza and just have a cute night in.

 Okay so these are all getting pretty unrealistic and idyllic. But, I can't resist!

                    Heres where I found all these images
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy your valentines day <3 xox

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not the most religious. I was baptised as a catholic, go to a catholic school (in England faith schools have higher education standards) and go to church for all the holidays. But my family isn't exactly the rosary saying type.

In saying that, we still take part in lent. It is a time of year when we actually have the motivation to do something good, with the added 'God is watching your every step' blackmail. It is essentially, an excuse to give up something you love for a certain time period. And, above all that, to appreciate what Jesus went through for us. Now I'm not trying to be a bible basher here, but if it is all true, then fair play Jesus. He went out into the desert, and fasted for 40 whole days. Only to go into a town, be judged by people, and then finally put through an immense amount of suffering before being executed!

So every year, I try and give up something which is not essential to my living, and try and give my body a 'break'. I would really love to go veggie for lent. But by no means am I going to expect my mother to cook me a separate meal from everyone else in the house! On top of that, I love chicken. And since I'm a very fussy eater, I would probably struggle to get adequate protein without meat.

So that being said, what am I going to give up? Junk food. I'm going to try and lead a diet of things that are good for my body! So for forty days, no chocolate, sweets, cakes, crisps or fizzy drinks. The exception to this is jelly, squash and ketchup.

So, wish me luck! I'm hoping I wont give in to any cravings, and will feel really good for the next forty days!
thanks for reading! xox

Monday, February 11, 2013


Oh for the days when only the upper class had televisions and cars, and mobile phones were only for businessmen. The days when apple and blackberry meant nothing more than fruit, and you wrote everything by hand. Everything just seems to have been so much more simple in that era. Don't get me wrong... I wasn't alive in such a time. So I am left to do nothing more than lust over tumblr pictures, and listen to my elders reminisce.

But I can't help but wonder, what would my life be like without technology? Well, there would be no annoying, rambly ict lessons with a teacher who hates me, doing nothing but learning rather pointless skills on ancient computers. Now I'm sorry, but we are, as they say, the 'generation of technology'. Nearly every child nowadays has the ability to work an ipad, instinctively. So why, do I have a 50 something teacher wasting two hours of my time every week, teaching me things that i already know/ Or if I don't already know them, computers are pretty self explanatory once you know the basics! Don't get me wrong, I appreciate computer programming and coding is very complicated and takes a lot of knowledge and skill. But we don't learn things like that! I already know all that I need to know about the Internet and Microsoft! Secondly, see my post on This basically covers my current views on all social networking in teenagers- it just over complicates things. But, we still all feel compelled to be on every site, telling each other what were doing, how we're feeling, and annotating with pictures. Aside from being insanely addictive, its dangerous. As much as we feel we might, we really don't know exactly who could be, essentially, stalking on us.

Now don't get me wrong, technology makes my life very enjoyable and easy. Many a times have I been caught out with no credit or free texts left on my phone, and been blessed with the features of imessage or whatsapp to contact my mum. And, if it wasn't for my iphone, I would have a very boring hour long bus ride to and from school each day. This blog, which may have only been in my life for a short time, would not be here to give a home to my rants, to distract me from the bad things. I wouldn't be able to contact my friends, or become closer to new people (which is very debatable).

But I cant help but feel admiration when I see an older person in the street, sending a text on their little nokia. They've seen so much change in this little world of ours, in such a short time. And they've had to accept this change, because if they didn't they would get stuck in a time freeze, in generation unable to move forward. And that must be a scary prospect for them!

So before you have a go at your mum, dad, uncle, aunt or grandparent for being completely useless on the ipad... take a minute out to think about what you would do if they were to stick a typewriter in front of you. Or even going back to forever ago, ask you to dry your clothes using a mangle. Or knit a scarf! Yes, you would probably be able to figure it out. But it would take change and adaptation, which is the same thing they have to go through... at a slower pace, as older brains aren't quite as fast as younger ones.

Thanks for reading!! xoxo

Sunday, February 10, 2013


About 94% of the drama/issues/problems I've been faced with in the past two months have all been caused by this lovely website. If you aren't aware of what it is, then let me first tell you this... you're pretty lucky., (which you can find here ) is a social networking site, where users can ask each other/be asked questions anonymously. Sounds like fun, right? Well it is... until you drop a load of insecure, cruel, bored teenagers into the mix. Then you have a problem. As we all already know, social networking makes many young people start to say things they probably wouldn't say to others' faces. So add anonymity into the whole thing? 'Great! Now I have the opportunity to tell that girl that I've never really liked what I think of her! I can tell that boy to stop acting so cocky... no one likes him! I can tell my best friend that what shes been doing with her eyebrows lately really doesn't do anything for her... without even offending her!' And so you get double the cyber bullying, with an extra lump of paranoia thrown in. Don't get me wrong, it's a great idea. If it was used correctly, I'm sure it would be 100% innocent fun... finding out who your crushes favourite girls are, complimenting people and even playing harmless jokes on each other. But so many teenagers are getting 'cocky' with what they say to one another, and it is having serious consequences.

Jessica Laney.Ciara Pugsley.Erin and Shannon Gallagher. Four of the high profile suicides last year, which are said to have been solely down to ask fm. There are more then just four, but these are four of the 'biggest', the four that have gained the most publicity. These girls, who were all around the same age as me, felt as if there was no where to turn. They felt like there was No-one who cared about them, no other option then to take they're own lives. At the age of 13?Is it not crazy, that someone so young should even be in the position to contemplate suicide? We are still children. Although it may not feel like it, no problem is to big for us to ask help for. There is always someone to help... they have the obligation to help us, for the next 5 years!

So how many more innocent lives is it going to take before something is done? How many more teenagers are going to fall into this dark, dark place until something changes? I have seen so many horrible, horrible things on ask fm. I would love to link each one of them individually, but most of them are people I know and so I cant. But one of them, a boy I stumbled across a whilst ago, has stuck in my mind. His names Freddie. I do not know him; all I know is that he lives in the same country as me, and has really had a hard time. If you keep scrolling down his questions, I'm sure you will find what I mean.

I will admit, I have said a few things on ask fm which I'm truly ashamed of. To people I know and don't like, without realising the affect it could have on them. But then, I started receiving hate. I know exactly who it was from, my darling 'frenemie' (post on her soon to come!) as she is very obvious with some of the things she says. And that made me really think, about how everything that is said has a consequence.

This needs to stop. Not ask fm, but the way we are all acting on it.Everyone needs to step back, and just THINK... 'would I be able to put my name to that? Be able to untick the anonymous box, and let them see who said it?' before proceeding. How many more people need to die before something changes?

Thank you for reading xox

Saturday, February 9, 2013

My plans!

Here are some posts that I plan to do in the near future, some of which I have already started. This list isn't in any order, but I hope to get as many done as possible each weekend and then post them during the week when I get a chance.

Society- I already have this one drafted, but it is going to take a lot of redoing as I feel it is a very very important issue, and has many different aspects.
Lying- So many people my age feel the need to lie, about many aspects of their lives to try and impress people. I've discovered some of the consequences this has, the hard way, and would really like to share them.
Social/online issues- This ones pretty self explanatory, and is an issue which has had a lot of publicity recently.
The future- Something that I think about a lot is how my generation is going to be when they're parents. The problems and issues which affect many of us, the way a majority of this generation doesn't consciously know right from wrong... how is this going to affect future generations? how much worse is it going to get?
Cyberbullying- Over the past few months, I have seen a lot of this, mainly due to the arrival of '' in my school.
Self harm & eating disorders- These will be two separate posts, but I don't feel that it will be beneficial for me to write about them until I am in a more stable place myself.
Self esteem- I don't know one single girl my age (myself included!) who doesn't hate at least one thing about themselves. I, on the other hand- seem to hate every aspect of myself and my body, and think it is really quite scary.
Parents- Like I've mentioned before, I am blessed with two truly amazing parents. But I seem to be in the minority of teenagers who are, which is very worrying. speaks for itself really. If you are unaware of what it is, is a social networking site where people ask each other anonymous questions. sounds like fun right? Well, drop a load of insecure teenagers into the mix, and you get overwhelming amounts of cyber trolling, which has led to a good few suicides recently.
Makeup/appearance- The way that us teenage girls feel the pressure to look perfect 100% of the time, and the issues this is causing.
Children- The negative affect that media is having on younger children, and the brainwashing that is, essentially, happening.
Fears- I think. A lot. I over analyse everything, and come up lots of things in my head. Some of which are fears/worries.
Frenemies- I have a 'frenemie' who, for now, shall remain nameless. I think a blog post about the trials and tribulations of our day to day 'issues' would be rather entertaining, both to read and write.

So hopefully this list, and plenty more, will come alive in the near future :) thanks for reading!

Friday, February 8, 2013

My first ever post!

Hey there! This is just going to be an introduction to my brand new little corner of the web. If you are reading this, you've stumbled apon the very beginnings of my 'mission'. It's pretty simple really- I want to make people think. First and formost, teenagers like myself. But if this can give any one member of society something to at least think about, then I will feel justified.

I'm 13 years old, British, and for now I'm choosing to stay anonymous. Recently, I have found myself slipping down a path which is really not the direction I want to be heading in the future. The path I speak of is one which has become all to common within people my age- that of low self esteem, self hatred, lying, crying, self harm,eating disorders, becoming the victims/instigators of cruel bullying, and addiction to social networking; creating a virtual life and feeling the need to share every nitty, gritty detail of their (somewhat unrealistic) virtual lives to complete strangers. I have become somewhat unrecognisable, and I really wish to change that. I'm one of the lucky ones- I have two amazing parents who would (and have done!) do anything in the world to help me be the best that I can be throughout my whole life. But like I said- I am lucky. Many girls (and boys!) my age have slipped down the same slope i speak of, but the difference is this- they have no help to climb back up. And thus, leading further and further down this 'path', into what I don't doubt will create something awful, adding to the vicious cycle that has become the norm in today's society.

I have a lot of deep thoughts and concerns, some of which other people most probably relate to. So hopefully, this blog is going to be somewhere where I can air these, without being judged. I feel as if me sharing my experiences, opinions, concerns and theories, I could possibly even help a few people! If I could, that would be amazing! But if not, even if only 10 people ever view this blog- at least I will have had somewhere to vent. At least I will have gained experience in the very field of which I aspire to succeed a career in, some time in  the future. And... dare I say it? At least I will have had a bit of 'fun'. Something which is sadly all to rare in the life of a thirteen year old girl in this day and age, at least not in an appropriate form.

So thank you, for taking time out to read this. I am extremely grateful, and please keep an eye on this tiny little blog- I expect a good few posts in the future! If you would like to speak to me, my email adress for this blog is

Hopefully see you soon! xoxo