I wanted to put all of this in my first post which you can find here, I would suggest reading it if you haven't already. But, the post started to get really long, and I was afraid people would lose interest!
So, what happened next? Well, I know I was pretty blunt and didn't give much of an explanation!
I told my mum, one day when it all got too much. She... she promised she would do whatever she could to help me. And, not going to lie- my poor, poor mum has been amazing in the past couple of years. Shes honestly the only person in this world who I trust, who doesn't judge me, and who i can be 100% honest with. So mum, if you're reading this... I love you ok? I know I don't show it a lot, and i put you through shit quite frankly, but I am grateful every day, and would be screwed without you. But my poor mum... what was she to do? Her ELEVEN year old daughter hated herself so much that she was carving into her own skin? I mean obviously I've never had a child, but surely that's so... heartbreaking, so infuriating? She got me to a counsellor, and I would love to be able to say it helped. But, it did quite frankly nothing at all. He was a 50 year old man, who just sort of rambled on... about nothing relevant at all. I went six times in total I think, and after that I stopped for maybe two or three months. At this time it was summer, and in summer my mood does generally lift! But then winter rolled back around, and by October I was already in a messy relapse.
After that, I tried a lot of self help things. Like elastic bands, and the butterfly method. But, disgustingly, I was actually kind of enjoying it. I guess it kind of made me feel 'different' and 'mature' and I think i kind of enjoyed being 'troubled'. That only lasted for about a month. So since then, its been up and down. Relapse, recovery, relapse, recovery and so on. But then things got really really bad again, and my parents found out. My mum researched into it, and she came across this site. Nlp4kids (nuero linguistic programming, i know right... sounds pretty scary) I wont explain it, if you're interested then go and have a look. I went to see a man called Lewis. He... he really really helped me. I still have issues with the way I look, and how I feel about myself. And truthfully? I don't think I'll ever escape them. But Lewis really helped me get the voices in my head under control. He helped me deal with my anger, in a way I never would have imagined. And that, has really, really helped me. I would love to say I haven't cut myself since seeing Lewis; believe me I really, really would. But I'm not going to lie. I have. Due to things like arguments at home, and problems with my 'friends' at school. Those are what triggered that particular relapse; but at the end of the day, the underlying cause is the same- self hatred.
The other day at school, our year had an assembly on self harm, suicide, and domestic violence. It was... it was horrible. Honestly? It just felt patronising. A bunch of girls, who don't have a clue, reading out quotes from tumblr. Quotes which did nothing more then glamorise self harm. They really had no clue what the hell they were talking about, and I found it really horrible. I was on the front row, and I felt so paranoid that people were staring at me. On top of that, I had no idea we were going to have that assembly! If I had of, I wouldn't have came into school. Throughout the whole thing, I just sat there picking nail polish off. I sang song lyrics in my head, and counted to 250 four times. I just couldn't make eye contact with anyone, or listen to what was being said. Afterwards, I went straight to the toilet and just cried. It was really horrible. Throughout the rest of the day, I had three people come up to me and ask if I was ok. Three of the people who knew; the three people who honestly care. And do you know the crazy thing? Those three people aren't even in my friendship group! Two girls, and a boy... who I'm extremely close to because they understand me... but they aren't even in my friendship group! The girls who are in my friendship group- they just don't care. They know, but never ever talk about it with me or try and help me. And that really upsets me sometimes. I feel as if I am definitely getting less and less friendly with them, because some days I just can't deal with it anymore.
So anyway, at the moment I'm doing ok. I'm not better by any means, but I feel as if it's still under my control, and I do have people trying to help me. I wouldn't quite say I'm in the dark right now, but at the same time I'm still not at the light.
In school, I have two close friends who cut. Two girls, who are both absolutely beautiful. One of them has lots of issues at home, and although shes 'popular' she gets a lot of shit from some boys at school. But she's the strongest girl I know... throughout the hell shes enduring (and believe me I know, many a time have we had emotional conversations on the phone and in the toilets at school when things have been tough), she still remains confident and seemingly happy. Always laughing, joking and flirting. I admire her for that. The other girl, shes so talented and beautiful. And such a nice person too. But shes going through a rough patch right now, with how she looks. She wants desperately to lose weight, and has fell down a similar slope to me. But I have no doubt she'll get through it- shes so strong. And for both of them, I'll be there. Any time they need to talk, I'm there and they both know that. I know that there will be a day in the future, when they are both cut free.
So thanks for reading, I hope this has maybe given you an insight. If not, then its been really helpful for me to vent on here. xox